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Suicide Blonde
20 most recent entries

Date:2005-12-28 09:35

"I should have known that it would come down to this." (bop bop bop) So recently I've been carded like mad for my smokes. Seems people pop at the opportunity to question someone's age. I despise being 26. In fact, I loathe it. And the smart-alec gas station attendants snicker when they say "you don't look that old at all" or "you're lucky" or jeez I thought you were young." I'm sick of it and it's only going to get worse. I feel as if I've just had a near brush with death, as if I could hear my heartbeat growing ever softer, that I'm being compacted into the smallest of spaces, crushing me in until I implode. Luckily I had the escape hatch pegged, I knew if I could sneak hurriedly over there then they wouldn't see me. So thank god I've been hiding out and all you doubting thomases may think I've made the worst decision but my gold toes speak to me in tongue and they say differently. We've discussed their bad behavior on a few occasions now and I must admit, they do get into quite a funk. Everything in my life seems to come in twelves, not elevenses. There are always 12 steps to everything. I'm only on the wee baby steps, knees knocking, stop itching, stop the insomnia, stop scratching at my cell walls. X and O crossed out, dotted, lined. I am divisible by many and only want to multiply by one.

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Date:2005-12-12 12:45

Hi. I have a question: is there someone that upgraded my account because I didn't upgrade my account myself and suddenly I have a bunch of dope features or is this just a holiday preview I'm so confused!

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Date:2005-10-06 13:10
Subject:salty & sweet
Mood: calm

i work in a cinder-cone blok
and want to live in a home of old stone and quarried rock
but i could live under a tarp for two
i want carpets of moss, fresh and dew
pillars of oak and willow's sinew
but i could live anywhere
if you lived there too.


thought of the day:

i really need more support down under. don't you hate it when your undies just aren't fitting enough and you can sense the giggliness of your bum with every little step you take?

also: i despise the flaps of skin that protrude over the side of my pant waist line. designers really need to start making high waisted trousers again. i would think a corset fad would be right up their tin pan alley.

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Date:2005-09-15 15:25

I don't know how I arrived here. Wait, yes I do, I think I do. I can't recall why, though. What compelled me to feel inadequate and incomplete? Why did I poison myself and lie to myself and mistreat myself and beat myself and allow myself to enjoy being beaten by it all?

You look the same, only I've heard you're worse. I heard there are uncontrollable fountains inside you, that you gush forth dehydrated water (they call it oxygen) and that for every mood you pop a pill to change it. There once was a time I believed that you could get better, that it was transitory; such a fool I was. Your wiring is askew, the synapses lack sparks, or maybe there's a solar flare inside your brain.

If I have but one true love, it is autumn.
The air is crisp, the trees are melancholy and so am I.
We weap in chorus; the wind echoes our cries.
Leaves turn russet; my hair darkens.
So easily can I become comfortable,
Like an isopod I recoil into myself,
My exoskeleton visible, ribs protruding to greet winter cooly.

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Date:2005-01-04 14:30
Mood: amused

So I spent the past few days in...Brooklyn. Do you know how rad that place is?? I loved every minute of it. I stayed with my friend Chuck, in his ultra chic pad in Williamsburg. I spent entirely too much money. We went ice skating in Central Park, took the ferry to Lady Liberty, and hit up a bunch of bars, good eats, and shops. I bought a BCBG leather jacket at 50% off in Soho, a bunch of skinny girly tees and some Polish magazines. I went to Century 21 and bought a killer denim skirt and a Dolce and Gabanna top for $29.00. On New Year's Eve we went to this fab restaurant, Dumont, and both had Skirt Steak, Spinach and Potatoes smothered in marinade. Then we went to Manhattan for a New Year's Eve party. There we saw an acrobat, the Hungry Man marching band from Brooklyn, and some chick gave me a chocolate cigarette, which was, to my dismay, actually solid chocolate and completely un-smokable. So I had tons of fun, and since my grandfather Hanlon was born in Brooklyn in or around 1916, this trip had a special place in my heart. I can't wait to go back. We didn't make it to MOMA, since the lines were 2 hours long... But next time I will! I'm already looking forward to my next NYC adventure. Kisses & Hugs, Ania.

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Date:2004-10-12 20:39
Subject:got milk?

I suppose it impudent of me, but as I make my way through the grocery aisles I enjoy observing the basket contents of my fellow shoppers. Last night the man next to me in checkout, wearing a dingy tan sport jacket and a ratty tee (despite the carefully tousled hair and thick chunky boots) had 6 gallons of milk in his cart and a bag of Sun chips.

I wonder if he is able to sustain his bulkiness on a diet of wholesome milk and the occasional snack chip. Or maybe he eats out a lot and wants to keep his calcium intake high?

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Date:2004-03-23 10:22

This journal is friends-only. If you wish to be added, please post, otherwise I won't know.

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Date:2004-02-13 10:39
Subject:photothèque de chat

darling le mew

bitch on a briefcase

le mew peek-a-boo

le boyfriend meets le mew in le bagguette

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Date:2003-11-10 11:40

You are Somatic Responses!
You are Somatic Responses or Mimetic! Unpredictable
rhythms and unlimited breaks are among your
fave styles. Always ready to explore something

What noise artist are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

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Date:2003-11-07 11:18
Subject:FIA of Michigan


Let me tell you that in the fall of 2002 I worked at the FIA as a contract employee in the Human Resources Department. I had the privilege of assisting in scheduling interviews for Family Independence Specialists and other field workers. I collected transcript data and assessed interview scores.

Now, if there is one thing I know, it's how to read a transcript. As nosy and pretentious as I can be, I was looking at all their GPAs and grades. The department was hiring people that had cumulative GPAs of 1.6 (at places like Spring Arbor and Olivet...ie, not even remotely challenging)... They were also hiring basically based upon the interview answers and a panel of judges (former social workers) were assessing the applicants. Well, some of these assessors were incompetent...They couldn't spell, in my opinion they were poor judges of character, and the grades they gave the applicants seemed ludicrous. The state conducts background checks on all the applicants, however some of them were still accepted despite a criminal record, from my recollection. I just think, no wonder there are all these cases now of social services not properly monitoring children... It's so shameful...

And from child abuse/neglect to animal cruelty:


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Date:2003-11-04 12:39
Subject:I am so thrilled

I have an interview tonight at a new art center in town...They've just opened at last week I decided to call and see if they were looking for modern dance teachers...Well I e-mailed over my resume and they want to interview me tonight. Unfortunately my tummy hurts and I think I'm coming down with something yucky.

Anyway, I mentioned that I've performed with Happendance and Peter Sparling and the U of M crew as well as having danced with Teatr Dada Von Bzdyl... Hopefully I can start a local company of fresh, young dancers. My idea is to perform at smaller venues, clubs n' such...anyway...

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Date:2003-11-03 12:57
Subject:Read this...


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Date:2003-10-31 10:10
Subject:happy halloweenie i apologize for the lack of punctuation

i'm half way to conformist goth i had my brows and lashes tinted last night to a blue-black & so if you see me before tomorrow afternoon i'm the girl in a black goth maid costume with blond/purple hair and black eyebrows. i pulled myself to work this morning in my lip service dress black tights and my mary janes with wrist protectors et al & i feel like i came out of my goth closet
jeremy actually said last night that he wants me to have black hair so that half of the men that look at me now will stop looking & he also says that i will finally fit my stereotype as if that makes me happy i mean he wants me to do it because he'll like it but also because he thinks less men will be attracted to me... thanks boy
so it's his thirty first birthday today and we have no plans & he got pissy when i mentioned shopping and parties and even the temple club because i don't think there is going to be a dj there & he has an appraisal test in livonia tomorrow and i have to teach at 9 am so i think we'll have a nice dinner at taj or charlie kang's maybe and some drinks & he said a movie and a good dinner would make him happy
i've already made him brownies and his card and a little gift but he will get mad if i do buy something & he bought himself an mp3 player the other day and he said well your birthday is in a few weeks bebe so we'll celebrate then
& last night he whined about being thirty-one already & i'm not sympathetic since i'll be twenty-four on november 11 & i already feel old...

so happy halloweenie, go check out Google's splash cause they have the cutest holiday google titles!

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Date:2003-10-30 13:38
Subject:what are you wearing?
Mood: bored

I promised Jeremy I'd dye my ash-blond hair to black for his birthday and beyond. His birthday is tomorrow and I'm fretting because I've had black hair in the past and I don't want to deal with that again. When my roots come in I look like I'm balding, for chrissake...there is so much upkeep involved and I didn't go to cosmetology school like his ex-girlfriend, sorry. Personally I don't even think I look that good with black hair. I'd rather go darker to light brown or something. Anyway, I'm getting my eyebrows and eyelashes tinted tonight in anticipation of the dye. The dye it. If I do actually dye it I want it to be more blue than black, but we'll see. I'm too pale with creepishly translucent skin... It's not even sexy goth pale, it's pasty see-through skin pale. Thinner than air pale.

So I've learned not to make future promises and procrastinate... But he shaved his head for me, so I guess I'll have to come through.


Because I want to amuse myself:

- black miniskirt with vertical white pin stripes
- black knit mesh sweater
- black knit hoodie
- black microfiber tights
- black 3 inch concave high heel mary janes
- dark turquoise chunk necklace
- black kate spade sam bag
- under things: not telling

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Date:2003-10-27 11:45

This weekend went by in a blur...

I woke up late Saturday morning because when I blew the power socket the day before I didn't set the clock on the other side of the wall for the correct time. I woke up and jetted out the door, already late for class. I had forgotten that it was the first class of the session, too, and when I got there a bunch of new, expectant parents were waiting around for me. This time the parents wanted to sit in and watch...Then I had completely forgotten but my pre-school and kindergarten creative movement classes started Saturday, too. So I only had ballet music and hadn't prepared to teach creative movement...The three and four year olds are so sweet but there's so little they can do and still be amused while within the lines of modern dance. It's a bit too avant-garde for children of that age. Dance like a tree! Be a bucket! I'm going to have a lot of planning to do for next week. They like spinning and running and looking at themselves in the mirror. Not a lot to work with!

That was awfully frustrating, but I pulled through it okay. I think I need to check with them about my pay check, they seemed to have overlooked possibly 3 weeks of classes.

The rest of the weekend went relatively smoothly. I got some stuff for the house. It's coming along...I'm going to get paint this week or next. Things are going to be tight this week since it's Halloween and Jeremy's birthday. I have to plan what we're doing but probably dinner at Taj or Murasaki...We're also constructing a super fast computer and need to purchase an 80 gigabyte hard drive this week.

The height of my excitement this weekend was going shopping and buying him some of those Harry Potter dirt & bugger jelly beans... KMFDM is playing Wednesday in Detroit and I want to go, hopefully we can go with some friends, it's a bit of a drive...

I want to take the State Department Entrance Exam but Jeremy doesn't think I should because I might get shipped to Malaysia or something. I told him I probably won't even pass, his father took the exam and he didn't pass...and his father is a judge with the state! I know how difficult the test is... but I am pretty confident that if I were to pass I'd be assigned to somewhere in Eastern Europe. So I'm thinking about that or the CIA or someway to use this incredibly specific degree of mine.

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Date:2003-10-24 20:58
Subject:oh &

Alvin's for VNV Nation STUNK. All VNV did was show their dvd which is ridiculous cause who the hell is going to buy that?? They're so full of themselves. And everyone there was a carbon copy of one of the 5 typical goth posers.


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Date:2003-10-21 10:26

I am so frustratingly broke it isn't funny anymore. It is working wonders for keeping that tummy of mine flat, but I swear it's not fun anymore. It's not as if I'd spend a load of money anywhere at this point, but every night I go home I would love to have a cocktail gosh darn it. So instead I have hot cocoa. I guess it's normal. I'm a poor liberal arts grad, either overqualified or under qualified, and I'm pissy as hell about it. Anyway, I've spent the majority of the weekend/week watching X-Files and cleaning. It's super to be lazy on the weekend. I've been walking to my new work every morning about 12 blocks, then back to my car. It's invigorating in the morning, but waking up at 6:15 AM really irks me. I'm making about $2.50 less per hour than at the mortgage broker office, so it's even worse. And they expected me to pay for parking here. What bull. I need a better job, fast. Problem is that I've been sending out resumes to no avail. Everything out there is so dry. I need to come up with some get rich scheme, or something.

Not only am I a welfare case waiting to happen, but I am also riddled with student loans and need to furnish and decorate an unfurnished house. I have a broken refrigerator that has rotten food still inside, pizza and fish from last December. When the door was opened this summer for 10 seconds a massive green gas cloud escaped and stunk up the house for the remainder of the day. This needs to be bolted shut and removed. Then there's the no garbage disposal problem. That is not much fun...and the need for a new refrigerator, a washer and dryer, and a dish washer... That is beyond paint, curtains, storage units. It's not even a big house! Oh... and miniature trees are sprouting in the eaves.
So I'm thinking of things I could make and sell, or ways to make some extra money. My ballet classes are more like a charity contribution, since the YMCA hardly compensates me at all for my time and effort. I even have to provide all my own music, and ballet CDs are in the $30 range and extremely difficult to find. Halloween is coming up and doubles as Jeremy's birthday, my birthday is three weeks from today and Christmas and Hannukkah are almost here...And rent is due soon.

I never thought life would be so bleh. It's so depressing. And to top it off my wrists constantly hurt, I feel like my veins are going to explode and I am paranoid about it!!

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Date:2003-10-17 09:12
Mood: indifferent

Does anyone else enjoy getting injections? I went to the dermagtologist yesterday and got a shot in my face. I'm really beginning to like the anticipation, the pressure and the pain. It's only a slight hurt...and the borders between pleasure and pain are so hazy...

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Date:2003-10-16 10:56
Mood: annoyed

One would assume that since school teachers moderate standardized tests and have taken so many of them in the past,they would understand how to fill in a bubble sheet.

But no. They use pen. They cannot color inside the bubble. I'm afraid to have children.

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Date:2003-10-14 18:44

I'm decorating the house with Paul Klee plates taken from a book about the artist. This weekend we went salmon fishing on the Grand River and Red Cedar. Well, prior to our excursion I was shocked to learn that the Cedar was a tributary of the Grand. I guess I'd just assumed the two rivers never crossed. As it turns out, they really don't ever cross. They only do in the very most shallow manner, with depth of less than 1 foot. So, great...we basically went salmon spearing, and then played obstacle course amid the fallen trees and shined the light into the water, spotlighting the muskrats. And of course, we got completely plastered. I only had a few drinks, so it's not such a bad thing, because I was't captain. It was bad when we were smoking down in Potter Park Zoo, while Matt claimed that we were traveling on an 'international waterway,' so the police couldn't arrest us. Matt soon became so sloshed that he threw the cap to the whiskey overboardand it proceeded to spill all over. It didn't stop them from pissing off the side of the boat at all - of course, pictures were taken of that.

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